I did not misspell ‘critical’ in that subheadline. The D&D streaming show Science & Sorcery has teamed up with the UK’s Vagina Museum to host a money-raising one shot—titled Clitical Hit—to help promote the museum’s mission statement of raising awareness regarding “gynaecological anatomy and health”.
While Science & Sorcery does have long-running campaigns, it also produces “monthly one-shot charity games with guest hosts and players from a wide range of science disciplines to support various charities.” As reported by Wargamer, the stream will feature a neuroscientist and a pharmacologist—alongside the museum’s founder Florence Schechter and the game’s usual cast.
“The story revolves around a band called ‘Clitical Hit’, who discover that their masters have been stolen by an evil dragon … the band has to join forces with their greatest fans and infiltrate the dragon’s lair, which is located inside the reproductive system of a very well-preserved tarrasque.”
In case you have no idea what a tarrasque is, allow me to enlighten you. A tarrasque is Dungeons & Dragons’ biggest, baddest monster—here’s a fun quote from the game’s monster manual, just to paint a pretty picture.
“A scaly biped, the tarrasque is fifty feet tall and seventy feet long, weighing hundreds of tons. It carries itself like a bird of prey, leaning forward and using its powerful lashing tail for balance. Its cavernous maw yawns wide enough to swallow all but the largest creatures, and so great is its hunger that it can devour the populations of whole towns.”
The Dungeons & Dragons 5th edition monster manual does not comment on the size (nor the mechanical functions) of the tarrasque’s reproductive organs. This is both probably for the best, and also a great excuse for the minds at Science & Sorcery to cook up the most fiendishly educational lair you could ever imagine.
I think what I love about this—aside from it being for a good cause—is how unrepentantly D&D it is. It’s something that would never make it into an official sourcebook, but it makes total sense in the setting and the universe, because yeah: A tarrasque’s nethers would make a very good lair if properly preserved.
The beast itself has an armour class of 25, it’s immune to fire as well as non-magical piercing, slashing, and bludgeoning damage. This means that a preserved tarrasque body is a fortress that’s already made out of the toughest materials, and it’s just sitting there. Why wouldn’t a dragon use it?
“Why not the mouth, or the stomach?” One might ask—well, that’s simple. Being swallowed by a live tarrasque causes 56 acid damage (16 six-sided dice) every turn on average. In D&D terms, that’s enough to fully digest around eight giant rats in six seconds. Not exactly the place you’d want to make home, sweet home.
As Science & Sorcery tells Wargamer, it’s common practice for the show’s DMs to award bonuses to its players when they “bring in relevant scientific knowledge … We’re hoping, this time around, to get lots of information about gynaecological anatomy, but who knows what other topics may come up!” So not only will you get to see how a dragon might take advantage of a tarrasque’s natural might to build a lair, but you’ll get to learn something about reproductive anatomy and health. Both crucial areas of knowledge if you ask me.
Clitical Hit will be streamed live on Science & Sorcery’s Twitch channel February 2 at 7 pm GMT (11 am PST). During which, players will be able to donate to the Vagina Museum to buy advantage/disadvantage on rolls or dictate story choices.
www.pcgamer.com